Good News. Bad News. Good News?

I took a hiatus from blogging and decided to just live in real life for a bit. It’s been good for me. And honestly, I haven’t had anything to catch y’all up on. I take care of my family, threaten to stop feeding my boys because they are growing too fast, and ride horses. Don’t mind the shit shoveling and finding hay in places where hay should not be. Oh, and we are building a house. But none of these things are what y’all are here for.

Good new first. I recently had a CT scan of my body from my neck down. The results were declared a “miracle”! There is no evidence of cancer in my body. None. Zip. Refresher, when I was first diagnosed about four and a half years ago my body was riddled with cancer. It was in both breasts, my spine, my liver and lymph nodes throughout my body. Cue the happy tears! Hang on, hold that thought.

Bad news next. I had an MRI of my brain last week. That scan revealed progression. One spot is one that my Doctor has been watching for months. It grew, it shrank. Was it necrosis (death of cells through injury, i.e. radiation) or was it a tumor? My latest MRI didn’t answer that question, but it did show that it grew. It also showed new tumors. It started as two new tumors and after a deep dive it actually shows six new tumors. I was told after the last round of radiation that I was unable to have more radiation as it could cause some serious side effects that could greatly affect my quality of life. That information was like hitting a wall. Or was it like standing on the edge of a cliff? I don’t know. I just know it shook me. If I can’t have more radiation on my brain, then what is next for me? Brain surgery? Is that even possible? Or is this the end of the road for me? This is the second time it hit me that my life has an expiration date that could very well precede what I’m ready for. But wait…

My doctors were not satisfied. Both of my doctors, and me, have worked our asses off to keep me alive. It doesn’t seem right that my body is cancer-free but my brain is not cooperating. So, in the span of less than a week, multiple doctors have studied my latest MRI with a fine-tooth comb. And as of today, I started a new treatment via infusion through my port and have a plan to get brain radiation again. My new treatment is proven to cross the blood-brain barrier and that will help (hopefully) kill whatever cancer has found a home in my brain. The radiation will zap each individual tumor that just popped up. This has been a lot to take in in such a short time. It left me with a gnarly migraine. But you know what? I’m not done yet.

Don’t Give Up On Me

I will fight
I will fight for you
I always do, until my heart
Is black and blue

And I will stay
I will stay with you
We’ll make it to the other side
Like lovers do

I’ll reach my hands out in the dark
And wait for yours to interlock
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for you

‘Cause I’m not givin’ up
I’m not givin’ up, givin’ up
No not yet
Even when I’m down to my last breath
Even when they say there’s nothin’ left
So don’t give up on

I’m not givin’ up
I’m not givin’ up, givin’ up
No not me
Even when nobody else believes
I’m not goin’ down that easily
So don’t give up on me

And I will hold
I’ll hold onto you
No matter what this world’ll throw
It won’t shake me loose

I’ll reach my hands out in the dark
And wait for yours to interlock
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for you

‘Cause I’m not givin’ up
I’m not givin’ up, givin’ up
No not yet
Even when I’m down to my last breath
Even when they say there’s nothin’ left
So don’t give up on

I’m not givin’ up
I’m not givin’ up, givin’ up
No not me
Even when nobody else believes
I’m not goin’ down that easily
So don’t give up on me

Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah

I will fight
I will fight for you
I always do until my heart
Is black and blue

Andy Grammer