Gut Punched

Yesterday was not a good day. I had a CT scan and a brain MRI. The MRI revealed that a tumor on my brain has doubled in size even though I’ve been on active treatment. I was in no way prepared for this. Again, I had no signs or symptoms prior to this scan to let me know something could be wrong. No nausea or dizziness or headaches. I’ve been running and/or doing Insanity workouts 5-6 days a week. I’ve been eating mostly good. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink excessively. Like what the hell else am I supposed to do so that my body doesn’t actively try to kill me? That’s how I feel right now. That my body is killing me and there is nothing I can do about it. I guilt myself constantly for missing a workout or eating sugar or having alcohol one night because I know I should be doing whatever it takes to keep my body healthy. And shit news like this makes me think: for what? Why am I putting so much pressure on myself when it doesn’t seem to make any difference? It is crushing.

And everyone keeps telling me to “stay positive”. And I know you all mean well and probably don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what to say either. But shit, I’m so tired of hearing that. I am positive all the damn time. I live with a metaphorical gun to my head yet I go weeks without even mentioning cancer. I take care of my kids and my house and do all the normal, happy, fun stuff I’m supposed to do; and I do it with a smile on my face and enjoy my life. But when I get gut punched with news like this it makes me angry. PISSED. And it absolutely terrifies me. And when that happens, I can’t be positive. I need to be able to let all those feelings out. I need to cry and scream and fall to my knees. I need to be able to throw something or punch something. They say stress will kill you. And I somehow am able to manage my stress most of the time. But when I get news like this I have to be able to release that stress however I see fit without judgement or punishment. I don’t need something else brewing inside me trying to end me.

I also hear “stay strong” all the time, too. Again, I know its meant to help me and encourage me. Thank you. But I am strong. All the time. All. The. Freaking. Time. And losing my emotional control doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t mean I’m not strong. It means I am human. A person can only take so much before they reach their breaking point; before they go over the edge. Being able to express myself keeps me firmly on the ground. I have to bend so I don’t break. I’m not one to preach positivity and strength all the time because I cannot maintain that myself. And I don’t feel bad about that. I have to be true to me so that I can stay the path.

Phew. I know this has been a ranting blog so far. It may even feel negative. But its my truth. And that was yesterday. Today is a new day. Today I got out of bed. I brushed my teeth. I exercised. I got my kids dressed and played with them outside. I’m writing this blog as they sit next to me eating the lunch I made for them. Today I know I have to keep my shit together so that my kids aren’t as afraid as I am; so that they aren’t afraid at all. It is my job to keep them safe and to be their rock. They can’t be mine. And today I have the mental strength to keep fighting this cancer.

The Plan: My Oncologist has decided to keep me on my same chemo treatment as well as have me do targeted radiation on the brain tumor. Basically they will “zap” that one tumor and kill it. Forever. He wants to get that done ASAP so that I don’t have to be off my regular treatment too long. Because I can’t have my chemo treatment within so many days/weeks of radiation. I’m not exactly sure of the time frame. I’m still waiting on the confirmation of when I will start this radiation and how many I will have to do. I’m hoping I don’t have to wear that awful mask again that straps my head to the table. Time will tell. I’ll have another brain MRI a few weeks after radiation to (hopefully) confirm that the tumor is gone. I’m ready to get this ball rolling and get on with my life. And I will also never let myself be blind-sighted by something like this again. It happened yesterday, it can happen again. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

If you made it through this blog, thanks for letting me vent. I’m ok. I’ll be ok until I’m not. And I’ll keep you posted.

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