This Is Me Right Now

I got my bloodwork back last week and things are still going well. My liver numbers spiked a little bit, which unnerved me, but my Doctor isn’t concerned. They’re still in the normal range. And my bone number is in the normal range for the first time! Yay! My white blood cell count is low so my immune system is compromised, but that’s to be expected during treatment. I’m hoping things keep progressing like this. I keep thinking about getting to NED (no evidence of disease) more and more. I hope I’m not jumping the gun. Time will tell.

I’ve actually been doing really good emotionally. I don’t even remember the last time I cried. That’s huge since it used to be daily! Sometimes I even forget I have cancer. I guess the shock is gone. I’m back in a routine and my family seems to have adjusted to this new normal. I’m used to planning all my weeks around Fridays when I get bloodwork and/or treatment. The world actually kept spinning. Who knew?

But, I have been feeling self-conscious lately. My port stands out like a sore thumb, I have no hair and sparse eyebrows and this chemo acne is about to kill me. I know it seems trivial when looking at the big picture of my life, but I can’t help it. Like I said, I sometimes forget I have cancer….until I look in the mirror. Maybe its bothering me more lately because the way I look is the one thing that hasn’t really gone back to normal. It wasn’t a big deal when I was in the whirlwind of finding out I have cancer and beginning treatment, but now that I’ve coped with all of that its glaring. I hate going to the grocery or to pick up the kids from school or to the gym looking like I do. I have to push myself out the door and I find myself ducking away from people who may look towards me. And I can’t win with myself. When I have my wig and makeup all done up I feel like a circus clown. But when I’m au naturel I feel like a bald weirdo with the acne of a teenage boy. And I doubt others notice any of these things. My husband constantly tells me I’m still me and the hair, the makeup and the acne don’t matter. And my kids don’t think twice about any of it and actually love rubbing my head; my hair is kind of starting to grow back. Nolan says its spikey. Sutton tries to say it, too, but it comes out “spicy”. So now the joke is I have a spicy head. Ha! Thank goodness for kids. They keep us laughing.

People tell me that I’m strong and that I’m brave. I feel a little bit like a fraud knowing that I can barely look in the mirror. So, I think its time for me to just be ok with the fact that this is me right now.